Tuesday, 16 February 2016

What could be the first and last blog

After reflecting on 2016 already I haven't achieved many goals I set myself I've been to caught in my own bubble and world to really make a conscious effort to tick of my 2016 New Years resolutions. 

I'm beginning my 'story', not at the beginning but part way through where i am currently on the 16th of February at 10:10pm Im lying in bed with my head spinning (not due to the jungle juice- a concoction of Malibu and vodka , leftover alcohol my friend was using up before leaving for uni as well a few shots) but just full of thoughts I needed to get out of my head, so I thought I'd start by writing what was I feeling. Trying to tick of a few things at once a diary to reflect on, on the years ahead and see what I was feeling but also to stop overthinking and live more stress free, hard for a person who has to analyse everything. 

Anyway lying here contemplating how this time last year I was fresh from school totally unaware of the what shit lay ahead of me but now 2016 a year older a year wiser and a fragment of person I used to be, in a good way I think? I'm 19 years old in a new found relationship,after swearing to never be in one while I was teen refusing to be in love while I hadn't sorted my career out refusing to factor someone else in life other myself and now here I am lying in my boyfriends bed while he's on holiday  with his family and over thinking everything, questioning everything. 

Does he love me? Does he just want sex? Why does he like me? I told him I loved but did he just say it back? And as much as I know the answer to the questions, self doubt and paranoia kick in due to him not being here to remind me. 
His mates may joke about  what happens on holiday stays on holiday or putting the tip in doesn't count and as much as I laugh .the seed of doubt pops in to make me more than  aware what if that's actually happening ? 

Who knows?  I can only take it at face value but I never think I'll be able to trust someone 100% as much as I want too. 
After a shitty ex boyfriend hurt me I'll never be the happy person who saw rainbows and the good in everyone I now know the true cost of putting your soul and your heart into someone and its wether or not you can take the risk. 

As though I may never trust again I do feel like I'm ready to have my heart broken but in away does that set me up for my own failure if i go looking for faults? 

10:27pm mood=😐